A new low

I hit it again. One of the lows on my roller coaster ride. I have been in Fayetteville now since July 10th and have realized that too much change too fast is not good. Moving, running, new place, new people, new courses, finishing thesis,... I believe that taking this summer course was probably the biggest mistake ever. I am sure I may change my mind as I get credit for the work that I do but for my mental state it was not the best way to go. Then again, it was not my choice so however I turn it, a course had to be taken. I don't know why they wouldn't let me start Aug. 25th as that is when I start the classes I teach. Perhaps I should have requested that. I always thought the start date was Fall but this change in plans affects a lot, it specially affects my mood. Summer, between two programs, a time to relax and reflect, brainstorm and search for ideas, a time to just calm down. I think it is important to have the opportunity to shut the brain off for a bit. I still don't know how to do that and perhaps that is THE one thing I must learn in this process. I have so much stuff on the go that I get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing but bite my finger nails. Perhaps writing this blog post with help. I was doing fairly well last week but it is difficult to be alone. I believe that this may just be the toughest transition I have ever gone through. And I don't quite know why. Is it because I don't know that many people yet and have to find my way around? Is it because I miss my friends and I am having difficulties connecting with them over the phone due to poor Internet connections? Is it because I have too many things on the go? Or maybe it is just the heat? I don't know, but whatever it is, I need, NEED and WANT to get out of this mood and be happy with where I am and what I am doing. The worst part is that for the first time in my life, I had doubts about the future. I had doubts about my desire to become a prof. I also have too many interests and can't focus my research ideas. I know what I must do, take one day at a time and go with the flow. It will get to you when it is time. Wanting too much too soon is never good but I was hoping to find and formulate my dissertation early in my program. I must be patient. I need to make a to-do list and go one step at a time. Paper, presentation, exam, prepping for classes.
So quiet here in my apartment, too quiet, I need people, friends,...contact. The only sound I hear the my head pounding and sending shocks through my body. When I watched "Into the wild", the character in the movie wanted to live alone of nature. He explained that was truly living. I was sceptical and envious and the same time of him. Could I learn to enjoy myself when I am alone? Can being alone give me pleasure and ensure happiness. Well, by the end of the movie, before he died, he wrote that true happiness can only happen if it is shared. Or something like it. A shift in his thinking? A need for human contact. Some people need it more than others. Relationships,... discovering, building and maintaining relationships is intriguing to me. I don't need many good friends, I just need to be able to listen en talk with others, be around other people. I think that is probably the biggest need in my life right now. Next week, orientations begin and i am sure I will meet lots of people, but till than, I am hoping to finish this coursework and go to Little Rock. I need a different focus for at least a few days. I need a holiday... well, a small one. To calm down. I need to be outside, being active. Walking, running, biking, swimming, whatever it is, I need to do something with my body, in nature, away from the city.
Can I ever be truly happy, or will there always be something? Why can't I just enjoy my life. Why do I always want to make things more challenging?
Many questions,... no answers needed... just thoughts in the moment.